


It looks like sun

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, M/M, i just really wanted to write something about Dan, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 17:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14000817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: the journey of Dan’s life is full of ups and downs





	It looks like sun

One. There is this noise in his head, a constant buzz, not very loud but very irritating. Sometimes it feels quite dull, other times it feels like his skull is going to explode. It lasts only a few days and it almost drives him crazy but then it goes away and never comes back again.

***

Two. He is at university, more precisely in the library. He is here for the first time and what he sees is overwhelming. There are hundreds of students sitting at the tables with some books and notes and laptops but they look up every now and then, like some weird meerkats. He feels that he doesn’t belong there, as if all those people were somehow connected to each other and he was one piece of the puzzle that didn’t match. There is this voice in his head that tells him to run away but he shuts it up and decides to look for the book he needs to finish his assignment. He wanders through the aisles without knowing where to go, it feels like eternity, maybe he’s even walking in circles at this point.

He asks himself, why is he even there? He doesn’t know how to find one single book that he needs. He doesn’t know how to live, honestly. All these people around him don’t seem to have such problems. A girl with blonde hair, in a simple black dress passes him. He watches her confident walk, her hips swaying with every step and her long hair moving left and right, left and right. She stops, takes a quick glance at the rows of books, stands on her tiptoes and reaches for a tome from one of the top shelves. She turns around and Dan can see her face and he realises that she seems lifeless. She’s not lifeless in the most common meaning of the word, she’s not tired and sad, she seems more like a robot. She goes past him, her head in one line with the rest of her body, her eyes fixed on one point somewhere in front of her. She doesn’t see Dan or she doesn’t want to see him. Dan wonders who is more like a ghost, if it is him or her.

***

Three. He is at school. He is only fourteen but he knows, he knows that he hates the world. He hates birds and trees and people and he hates the hallway he stands in right now.

“Did we have any homework?”

It is Ethan, a boy who belongs to the cool kids even though he’s wearing glasses. Dan wonders sometimes, why can’t he be like this, too? Why can’t he be cool or at least normal? What is it about him that makes him an outsider, is he really that different? He doesn’t feel different, he thinks he is just a person with common interests and a common personality, nothing special but also nothing repulsive.

Ethan is talking to Charlie, a boy who is tall and has dark blonde hair that is a bit curly. He is good at sports and plays in a youth football club, so he is obviously much cooler than Dan.

Charlie opens his mouth, as if he wants to say something, but then changes his mind and looks around. His eyes land on Dan but he doesn’t look him in the face, he takes a glance at his t-shirt maybe. He turns back to Ethan and shrugs his shoulders. His voice gets louder when he speaks.

“Don’t know, ask the gaylord.”

Ethan lowers his head and laughs, with a laugh that sounds a bit forced. His cheeks turn pink just a little and when he looks at Dan, he seems ashamed.

***

Four. He is outside and he is in London. That’s everything he knows. He took a bus somewhere and he got off somewhere and now he walks down a street that isn’t busy at all. It is raining, just a little, but the clouds are heavy and dark and a storm might be coming. Dan touches his hair and he feels that it starts to curl, like always, his stupid hair. He is tired and he regrets getting off the bus. The bus is warm and he can sit there and watch the buildings and cars and people and pretend that it all doesn’t really exist. 

He doesn’t know what he is doing now, he never knows what he is doing. He doesn’t want to feel the cold, the chilling wind and the raindrops on his face but he has no choice now, he can’t hide. 

There is a woman with a child coming around the corner. The woman is wearing a black coat and has a black umbrella, she and the child are holding hands. Then the child lets go of her and runs forward. It stops after a moment and looks into the sky, wincing because the raindrops fall onto its face, but the child still starts to laugh.

***

Five. He is with her and his heart is beating faster than usual, his mouth is dryer than usual. His head seems heavier than it used to be.

“I think we shouldn’t be together.”

She nods but doesn’t look at him.

“It doesn’t really have sense anymore,” he adds because she doesn’t say anything and Dan doesn’t like the awkward silence.

“You’re right.”

Her voice is just as usual, warm and not too deep. Her hair is as usual, shiny and long and it brushes her shoulders in the way she doesn’t like. Her skin is probably also as usual, soft and delicate, but Dan won’t have any other chance to verify it.

***

Six. He feels sick. He feels sick to the core and he feels like he might throw up so he gets out of his bed and goes to the bathroom. He tries at least, because he walks into the wall at some point.

He’s been feeling dizzy since he started taking the bigger dose of his pills but it is too much, it is definitely too much for him. He needs to go to the doctor and say that he can’t take it. It doesn’t matter for him that the side effects are usually stronger in the first days and then diminish over time. He can’t take it. 

He gets to the bathroom in the darkness and then turns the light on but it makes him even more nauseous. The pounding in his head gets louder as he kneels in front of the toilet but he can’t throw up so he just sits there.

“Fuck.”

He always talks to himself and he’s angry right now. He feels like shit. There is nothing else he could do other than swearing. He wipes his face with his hands, not caring about the fact that these hands were touching the toilet seat a second ago.

He barely recognises a gentle grip on his shoulders.

***

Seven. He is at home. The home is empty right now, his family is not there. He is alone. Dan should like it because he’s an introvert but he usually doesn’t. This house is empty just a little too much and just a bit too often. Dan isn’t a child anymore so he shouldn’t miss his family like he does right now. Maybe he is too sensitive, he says to himself.

He goes to the kitchen to grab some yogurt and he counts the steps when he goes upstairs. He sits on his bed in his room that is small and a bit sad, in all these shades of brown, without a soul really. Without a soul really, just like him. 

He eats the yogurt and lays the empty container and the spoon onto the floor. He wonders if anyone would notice if he would leave it there forever.

***

Eight. He is on stage. It feels awkward, as if it wasn’t meant for him to be there, as if he has been mistaken for someone else. He doesn’t know what to do with his legs, with his arms, with his face, so he just stands there awkwardly, trying to smile and hoping that it looks at least a bit sincere. He stares at the faces of all these people in front of him and it doesn’t feel real for a moment. There are too many of them and the lights are too bright but his own heart beats fast and loud so it must be real. 

The first shock goes away quickly and then he starts to speak and it makes him feel more secure. His confidence grows as the time goes by and he doesn’t even realise when this whole thing starts to feel like fun.

***

Nine. He is at home. He had announced on twitter that he was going to do a liveshow in an hour but it’s been an hour and a half and he still hasn’t switched on his laptop yet. He doesn’t know why he is so stressed out. Sometimes it is easy. Today is not the day.

He brings himself to open the lid of his macbook and press the power button. He closes his eyes and takes some deep breaths. He’s gonna make it.

***

Ten. He is alone. It doesn’t matter where because he has thoughts like these all the time. No one ever is going to accept him. He is a failure. His life decisions are bad and he is on a good way to destroy his whole future. Maybe he doesn’t have any future, maybe he’s just a worm. Maybe his future is to have a job that he doesn’t like, rent a flat that he doesn’t like, spend his evenings eating chips and drinking soda. He honestly doesn’t know but he also doesn’t like to think about it. He doesn’t like pressure and opinions that people try to force on him. He likes freedom and he won’t let anybody take this freedom away.

***

“What are you doing?”

 Phil lays his hands on Dan’s shoulders and looks at the sheets of paper placed at the desk in front of him.

“I was asked to write down ten things that have improved in my life.”

Dan hesitates a bit before he continues. He bites his lower lip but quickly lets the muscles on his face relax.

“Do you wanna have a look?”

Phil asks if he’s sure but Dan is sure now, so he takes the sheets and lies down on the bed. Dan waits and he doesn’t feel fear, he doesn’t feel anything really. Maybe he just feels at peace.

Phil looks up after some time and he smiles but also seems uncertain.

“There is no me on the list.”

Dan comes up to him and lies down beside him. He touches Phil’s arm with his fingers.

“You’re not an improvement in my life.”

Phil makes a face that expresses full disappointment before Dan has a chance to clarify.

“I think you’re much more than that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come and talk with me on tumblr [lovestillaround](http://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/) because I'm a lonely person


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